Ellie As Me
by Dark-Angel-Kagome
Summary: This is just as the title says it's Ellie as me. So read if you want or don't.


Disclaimer; Penguins are killers and I belong locked in the white padded room.(honestly)I don't own this show but it's based off my real life experiences so there's no point in flaming.

Ellie sat on the side of the tub watching the blood flow freely from her left arm. She was surprised it didn't hurt after she did it anymore especially since this cut was deeper and more close to her vein than the other cuts she'd done before. She sighed as she got up and ran her arm under the cold water while putting pressure on it. After she'd put a bandaid on she put her small but sharp new blade back in its hiding spot in her angel box. She knew what she did was wrong but she honestly didn't care. As she thought about it she didn't care about most things anymore. It didn't even scare her that she felt almost nothing but extreme anger anymore. She laughed out loud when she noted that just this morning she had been in a truly good mood just a few hours ago. Singing about life being great and people deserving to live a nice peaceful life. Keh, first time in almost one year and she knew it'd be a long time if never when that happened again.

Ellie walked to her bedroom and shut the door even though no one was home and curled up on her floor thinking about what had happened that year in school. She showed her friend Ash her cuts in the beginning of the year thinking she could trust her to only have her stop talking to her unless she had to. Shutting her true self off from everyone after that and having her almost perfect grades go from A's to C's . Pretending to be a ditzy hyper naïve girl around people who talked to her which unfortunately was almost everyone in the damned school. Slowly becoming unable to pretend as much and showing a bit of her true colors more often. Then about three months from the end of the school year she thought she'd finally found someone she actually truly trusted. Brian a guy in the grade above her. She quickly learned to trust him and like him as an older brother. He'd let her be herself without question and cheer her up. As time went by she did probably the hardest thing in her life and told him her secret. She was glad when he kept it a secret and didn't berate her for it or abandon her either. She almost cried that day for the first time in almost a year. Then the next day finding out he'd told the guidance counselor and not even being mad since he didn't say her name. But she _was_ pissed when she found out he'd told his friends who were like her older brothers also. She didn't talk to any of them for a few days but Brian gave her time to forgive him and only apologized once. A few days later she forgave him and after that things stayed the same as always but once in awhile he'd make her let him read her journal to make sure she wasn't thinking of suicide even though if he was smart he probably knew she was and just didn't write it in her poems. But she slowly started to pull herself away from even him, and he slowly stopped trying to cheer her up after he got a girlfriend who sat with them at lunch. Then after that she stopped feeling any emotion as it faded with each day. But it was her anger that kept going getting to a point where she couldn't breathe. When it came to the last month of school she'd pulled herself away from as many people as possible accept for a two girls in her last class. They were fun even though they weren't loud and exciting. But somehow people kept talking to her trying to befriend her. And be it her luck they were almost all the 'popular' kids. She tried to ignore them but when that didn't work she just put up another act, being rude and outgoing not that she wasn't anyway but she usually never showed it to people. Doing that helped her become more outspoken and to speak her mind. Then almost three weeks from the end of school in her last period class they started using rubbing alcohol and she was partnered with those two girls Lana and Lily. During one class she took the alcohol drenched tissues home and breathed in the fumes like she'd seen some dudes do before. It was the first time she got high and she liked it but it ended with her having a major migraine. She only did that one more time after that. Then came the day before school got out and she was talking to her two guy friends in her class and pulled her sleeves up knowing they wouldn't notice. When one of her girlfriends called her over to their group she walked over and got on her knees forgetting about her sleeves. A few minutes later the one who called her over grabbed her arm and asked I quote "You cut yourself!" The other three girls heard and she saw my pleading look and made up an excuse about my cat. Luckily for her she hadn't cut in a few weeks and they were all scars. After that she hurried out of the classroom and went home to find only one person home. She knew that girl Khels would come over and she did. But she acted like nothing happened and made her go walking around to a few peoples homes. She ended up running home a few hours later almost an hour late. She didn't get caught though like she did the year before when she hung around with the wrong crowd and made a record of almost 15detentions in a row. And I can't forget almost all this year she was addicted to pain killers and overdosed on them a few days ago. Let's just say that was fun but the next day she couldn't think strait.

But now's schools over and her visions of slitting her wrists and watching her life's blood flow out while laughing kept getting more graphic. So now Ellie sat looking at her new cut and knew it was only the beginning and she wanted it to get worse. She doesn't want any help. She can't even remember what her life was like before her depression started as only being sad almost four or five years ago and she admits she doesn't want o go back to those times even if she can't remember them.

AN: ok I honestly don't care if this isn't at all like Ellie but I just needed to write that. It's 100% true stuff that happened to me starting this year in seventh grade. But don't worry about me if you are I'm starting therapy in a few weeks, though it wasn't my idea but hey at least I'm getting help right?

 I hope you liked this. If you want ask and I'll try to write more things based on how messed my life is. Trust me there's enough to fill a book and I'm only 13! Irony isn't it!

Thanxz;)

                                                     **April    **

                                                             PEACE!!


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